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When you’re trying to find yourself again, it’s hard to find your voice.
As many of you have probably realized, I’ve been less active on the blog lately. I’ve been feeling guilty about it, but at the same time I just simply haven’t had much to say. As I’ve been struggling in several areas of my life, I’ve just been needing to absorb some things and I’m learning that that’s okay. I’m learning not to panic over it. I will find my voice again. Actually, I will find His voice again and this I know…He is faithful to call. He is the same God yesterday, today and forever and sometimes life needs to slow down so that I can hear Him.
I have to remember that when I really want my kids’ attention, I usually have to whisper. Yelling just doesn’t seem to get their attention like a whisper. When I yell, they continue on with whatever they’re doing because they think they can still hear me, but when I whisper, they stop, they come closer, they lean in and their attention is focused on me. That’s what God’s been doing with me. He’s whispering and as I am pressing in closer, I can hear His sweet voice once again. He has never left me. He is still speaking to me. I just needed to attune myself to His volume. I still have no idea who I am right now, who I’m going to develop into, but I have confidence in the God who does know, my God, the one Who is Faithful and True.
For example…I have no idea who I am without sugar being key in my life (or flour for that matter), but my God knows.
I have no idea who I am without two boys at home, but my God knows.
I have no idea who I am without intense exercise in my life, but my God knows.
I have no idea who I am without the concentration to have long, intense devotional times with my Savior, but my God knows.
I have no idea who I am without being involved in EVERY single activity at church, but my God knows.
I have no idea who I am without being able to sing for as long and as loud as I want, but my God knows.
My God knows who I am and who He is developing me to be and I trust Him. I. Trust. Him.
As He is teaching me who He wants me to be in this season of my life, I’m starting to hear His whisper once again. I’m finally getting close enough again to hear. I’ve been a little mad and He knows that, but I’ve missed His arms. I’ve missed His voice. I LOVE His voice and now He is telling me that it’s okay if I give 30 minutes (or less) to Him each morning instead of longer. I find myself questioning this. After all, don’t you get closer to Him, don’t you become “better” the more time you devote to Him? I’m learning though that in times of fatigue, when you are simply trusting Him for the next step (literally), He actually likes that just as well. That knowing His presence is strengthening you, the minute-by- minute trusting, He’s really into that. I’m finally starting to rest in that knowledge, that whisper.
I’m also learning that it’s okay if boxes at church for a “good” pastor’s wife go unchecked. That’s a struggle…the wanting to be “the best pastor’s wife ever”. Good grief! Can you hear the pride? I finally can.
I’m learning that it’s okay if I have to lay in bed instead of walk some hills in order to reserve my energy to make supper later that day. I love exercise, but I’m learning that my priority is my family. I need to show it, not just say it.
I’m learning that it’s okay to feel His grace cover me when my concentration simply isn’t there to focus on Bible studies as before.
And, I’m learning that it’s okay to struggle with the want of sugar (and flour), but it’s also okay to know that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond whatever I could ask or think in the area of my food choices.
I’m also learning that God places people in my path who are there to strengthen and encourage and it’s okay to be vulnerable. They aren’t the usual sources and I am continually amazed, but His kindness through others has been astounding. Most don’t understand and don’t want to know what’s happening and I’m learning that that’s okay; it just makes the ones that do reach out shine like the treasures they are.
So, as I find my voice through Him once again, I pray that you do as well. I pray that if you know exactly who you are in Him today that you will shout it to the rooftops, but I pray that if you are struggling to find yourself, you will press in closer to Him. He has not forgotten you. He has you in the palm of His hand. He is Your Resource, Your Hope, Your Future. Hear His magnificent whisper to you today.